Crescendo

My dad has just gotten off the phone with my aunt. The conversation was mostly about my academic performance, and my dad wasn't exactly being encouraging. Well, it was pretty much the equivalent of trash talking. My mother isn't pleased, because words have power, so she is making religious declarations in the background and trying to get him to do the same. They're supposed to be positive, but they're being said with a tone that's making me really anxious. So I ask if she could say them in a way that's making me less anxious. And somehow, all hell breaks loose.

Ironic, isn't it?

Apparently she was only speaking with such a tone because she had to compete with my guitar playing. Well, she'd already shouted at me to play softer. And I was definitely playing much softer. But apparently that didn't make a difference, because I had just interrupted her.

So I just close my eyes and pretend that nothing is happening. I feel strangely calm even though everyone is yelling in the background. It's a little unsettling. I'm still feeling calm while I'm writing this, like I'm hopelessly disconnected from everything going on around me. Sounds about right.

At the end of the day, this whole thing was over my HSC performance being unsatisfactory. So has any of this made me feel motivated to do anything at the moment? No. Absolutely not. But I can't escape the ever mounting pile of work, and the more I put it off, the more intense it's going to become, and the less time I'll have to anything other than studying. And the more I'll get yelled at. At this rate it'll get to a point where there's nothing left surrounding me but the HSC and all its trappings.

That's fucking scary.

As I was finishing up this post she came in to my room to try and apologise for the outburst. A demonstration of affection directly after a demonstration of fury. It didn't feel comforting. It just felt wrong.

And that's even scarier.