Departure

"You haven't changed in what, 5 years?"

"Neither have you."

It's been weeks since this was said, but I keep thinking back to it. The first line was me, the second line was Jennyfer. She was annoyed with how I ditched her to sit with someone else in Extension 2 English. And rightly so. I've done something like that before.

In Year 7, my group consisted of Jen, Durga, Mevandi...you get the picture. Anyway, at the same time, I also had a foot in the door of the group of Matt, Daniel and Murali and the rest of them. I don't know how I got there, but I did. Being the stupid year 7 kid that I was, I wanted to be in a popular group. Not to mention that at the time it felt kind of weird to be hanging out with girls.

There was a point where I had to make a decision. To put it in Jennyfer's words, as I remember, "you either choose them, or us.

As it turned out, I ended up leaving. A lot has changed over the last 5 or so years. I'm not so concerned with being in a popular group (let alone THAT one), and I'm completely fine with hanging out with girls. But in the face of another crossroads it's incredible how such a simple sentence can still ring so true.While we've managed to cross paths again over the years as the alley group merged with the b-block group, it  turns out I'm leaving once again.

All this connection, and yet I feel so lonely. My group of friends used to be tighter knit. And much more affectionate. But as it stands now, it's just...fragmented. We've got a bunch of people playing cards, some people taking walks, some people just mulling. In Year 8 when I joined the alley, I found an incredible sense of community. I loved how it made me feel loved. But as a whole it's just not doing it for me anymore. Well, that's the simplified version anyway. 

I don't know how I'm going to wrap up all my loose ends neatly. I don't know where I'm going to be by the time school ends. I don't know who will be standing with me and who won't. I just don't know.